Anger is an emotional response to encroachment upon one’s dignity, which leads to disagreement, dispute, or conflict. The dispute may appear to be real or imagined, it may have its roots in a past or present experience. It may be in anticipation of a future event. Anger is invariably based on the perception of threat or a perceived threat due to a conflict, injustice, negligence, humiliation or betrayal among other contentions.
Now... Why did you fly off the handle so quickly? And why are there days when you feel like you just wake up angry?
Some of it may be the changes your body’s going through: All those hormones you hear so much about can cause mood swings and confused emotions. Some of it may be stress: People who are under a lot of pressure tend to get angry more easily. Part of it may be your personality: You may be someone who feels your emotions intensely or tends to act impulsively or lose control. And part of it may be your role models: Maybe you’ve seen other people in your family blow a fuse when they’re mad.
No matter what pushes your buttons, one thing is certain - you’re sure to get angry sometimes. Everyone does. Anger is a normal emotion, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling mad. What counts is how you handle it (and yourself) when you’re angry.
There are ways you can try to manage anger. First, try to mentally back away from your anger and figure out if anything in particular is making you mad. Sure, the hormones of puberty may be playing a part, but are other things in your life causing you to feel like this? Maybe you’re under more stress at school, or perhaps your family is going through difficult changes, like a move or divorce. Sometimes, it’s not one thing but a lot of little things leading to frustration. Although you may not recognize what’s making you mad at exactly the moment you feel like exploding, taking time to evaluate things can help you learn to manage those emotions.
Tools to Tame a Temper: Self-Awareness and Self-Control:
Because anger can be powerful, managing it is sometimes challenging. It takes plenty of self-awareness and self-control to manage angry feelings. And these skills take time to develop.
-- Self-awareness is the ability to notice what you’re feeling and thinking, and why. Little kids aren’t very aware of what they feel,
they just act it out in their behavior. That’s why you see them having tantrums when they’re mad. But teens have the mental ability to be self-aware. When you get angry, take a moment to notice what you’re feeling and thinking.
-- Self-control is all about thinking before you act. It puts some precious seconds or minutes between feeling a strong emotion and taking an action you’ll regret.
Together, self-awareness and self-control allow you to have more choice about how to act when you’re feeling an intense emotion like anger.
Step Approach to Managing Anger
If something happens that makes you feel angry (like not being allowed to go to a party until you clean your room), this approach can help you manage your reaction. It’s called a problem-solving approach because you start with the problem you’re mad about. Then you weigh your choices and decide what you’ll do.
1) Tune in to your feelings (self-awareness). Start by noticing what you’re angry about and why. Put into words what’s making you upset so you can act rather than react.
2) Stop and think (self-control). This is where you stop for a minute to give yourself time to manage your anger. It’s also where you start thinking of how you might react - but without reacting yet.
3) Consider your options (think it through). This is where you think about what is likely to result from each of the different reactions you came up with.
4) Make a decision (pick one of your options). This is where you take action by choosing one of the three things you could do. Look at the list and pick the one that is likely to be most effective.
5) Check your progress. After you’ve acted and the situation is over, spend some time thinking about how it went.
6) Exercise. Go for a walk/run, work out, or go play a sport. Lots of research has shown that exercise is a great way to improve your mood and decrease negative feelings.
7) Listen to music (with your headphones on). Music has also been shown to change a person’s mood pretty quickly. And if you dance, then you’re exercising and it’s a two-for-one.
8) Draw. Scribbling, doodling, or sketching your thoughts or feelings might help too.
9) Meditate or practice deep breathing. This one works best if you do it regularly, as it’s more of an overall stress management technique that can help you use self-control when you’re mad. If you do this regularly, you’ll find that anger is less likely to build up.
10) Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Lots of times there
are other emotions, such as fear or sadness, beneath anger. Talking about them can help.
11) Distract yourself. If you find yourself stewing about something and just can’t seem to let go, it can help to do something that will get your mind past what’s bugging you - watch TV, read, or go to the movies.
These ideas can be helpful for two reasons:
1. They help you cool down when you feel like your anger might explode. When you need to cool down, do one or more of the activities in the list above. Think of these as alternatives to taking an action you’ll regret, such as yelling at someone. Some of them, like writing down feelings, can help you release tension and begin the thinking process at the same time.
2. They help you manage anger in general. What if there’s no immediate problem to solve - you simply need to shift into a better mood? Sometimes when you’re angry, you just need to stop dwelling on how mad you are.
Things That Might Soothe and Calm You
Sometimes people cut because they’re agitated or angry - even though they may not recognize that feeling. If that’s true for you, it can help to do something calming when you feel the need to cut.
Even if you’re not sure why you’re cutting, it’s worth giving these ideas a try:
* play with a pet
* take a shower (make sure you don’t have razors in the shower)
* take a bath (make sure you don’t have razors near the tub)
* listen to soothing music that will shift your mood
* try a breathing exercise
* try some relaxing yoga exercises
Things That Might Help You Express the Pain and Deep Emotion
Some people cut because the emotions that they feel seem way too powerful and painful to handle. Often, it may be hard for them to recognize these emotions for what they are - like anger, sadness, or other feelings. Here are some alternatives to cutting that you can try:
* draw or scribble designs on paper using a red pen or paint on white paper - if it helps, make the paint drip
* write out your hurt, anger, or pain using a pen and paper
* draw the pain
* compose songs or poetry to express what you’re feeling
* listen to music that talks about how you feel
Things That Might Help Release Physical Tension and Distress
Sometimes, doing things that express anger or release tension can help a person gradually move away from cutting. Try these ideas:
* go for a walk or run, ride a bike, dance like crazy, or get some other form of exercise
* rip up some paper
* write out your hurt, anger, or pain using a pen and paper
* scribble on paper using a red pen
* squeeze, knead, or smoosh a stress ball, handful of clay, or Play-Doh
Things That Might Help You Feel Supported and Connected
If you cut because you feel alone, misunderstood, unloved, or disconnected, these ideas may help:
* call a friend
* play with a pet
* make a cup of tea, some warm milk, or cocoa
* try some yoga exercises that help you feel grounded, such as triangle pose
* try a breathing exercise like the one in the button above
* curl up on your bed in a soft, cozy blanket
Things That Are Substitutes for the Cutting Sensation
You’ll notice that all the tips in the lists above have nothing to do with the cutting sensation. When you have the idea to self-injure, start by trying the ideas on those lists - such as making art, walking your dog, or going for run.
If they don’t help, move on to the substitute behaviors shown below.
These substitute behaviors won’t work for everyone. They also don’t help people get in touch with why they are cutting. What they do is provide immediate relief in a way that doesn’t involve cutting, and therefore holds less risk of harm.
* rub an ice cube on your skin instead of cutting it
* wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it gently against your skin
* draw on the skin with a soft-tipped red pen in the place you might usually cut
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