Ways Not to Visit Santa

Who doesn’t love the time-honored tradition of having their child pictured on Santa’s lap? Nothing is more cute than to see little Timmy or Sally smiling brightly on Santa’s lap while sharing their most heart-felt wishes and desires for Christmas morning. Of course, this is the stuff of Hollywood. More often than not, this special event is tainted by the horrifying screams of children forced to sit on a strange man’s lap while having it documented forever. Documented for your viewing pleasure, I should add.

There are many lists showing large numbers children-scared-of-Santa photographs but I have decided to break it down into scientific categories. After looking through hundreds upon hundreds of frightened children crying on Santa’s lap I noticed some patterns. My time is your reward as I show you the top 10 Ways Not to Visit Santa. Add your own categories by commenting.

Bloody Murder Scream

The purest showing of terror: The Bloody Murder Scream. These children held nothing back and let their primal terror be heard. Will the screaming ever end?

The Screaming Choir

Anytime you subject more than one child to a scarring event such as sitting on Santas lap, why not add another child to the fun. Multiple children mean multiple screaming. The unholy cacophony reaches the North Pole.

No Escape

Some Moms are sadistic enough in their blind desire to see their child sit with Saint Nick that they forcibly hold their screaming child in proximity. Hello, Mommy Dearest.

Slip Sliding Away

As all parent know, the young child’s best escape plans involve the slip-through or the arm raise. This simple maneuver allows the child to slide effortlessly from any grip Santa may have. Let gravity and a limp body do the work.

The Scream and Reach

When screaming to go the next step involves reaching out for help, and so we have the scream and reach. Unfortunately the person who you are reaching for is the one that put you there. You are grasping for straws…and therapy years later.

What’s Your Problem?

Sometimes one child is brave enough to smile or may actually be enjoying this Christmas tradition so much they are either oblivious or don’t care that their sibling is having a mini-coronary. One child screams and the other wonders what all the ruckus is. Oh, the looks by these Santa faces are the best of the bunch.

Scream and Stare

Sometime you scream into the void but sometimes you cannot look away from the horror. Looking at the man in the red hat while crying for the moment to be over may be the longest 2 minutes of your young life. When its over you know you have looked evil in the eye and overcome.

WTF or I Will Not Cry, As God is my Witness…

These kids have refused to give into the fear, but they still are wrapped in an uneasiness that can’t be denied. So while the terror that wells within them is trapped, it still lays in their stomachs like cold rock.

I Gotta Get Outta Here

Some brave children know that the only way to avoid the Red Santa is to run. And run they do, escaping with their live and, if they are lucky, their sanity. Of course, good ol’ Mom or Dad will soon be dragging their limp bodies back for more.

This Ain’t Worth Minimum Wage

Here is a shout out to all the Santa Claus’ who have given up after hours upon hours of crying, screaming, wetting, begging, fighting and loud children. The looks on these dejected, worn out and exhausted Santa faces say it all.

And finally, my favorite picture. A face only a mother could love.

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